So it was an interesting time for me, being overseas, because it was the first time in a long time when I truly was engrossed by my experience. I know when I've had a good time or not by my reaction upon arrival back home. After one week away I got on the plane to come home and was absolutely fascinated by the tall, large and odd-bodied Westerners, which is so unheard of in Asia. Everyone was pale-skinned and took up so much space, whereas in Malaysia everyone is dark and slim and, well, Asian. I'm still a bit flummoxed so I think it will take me a while to get used to everyone speaking English (wow!). After a week of Taiwanese TV and speaking Chinese like an 8 year old it might take me a day or two to get used to the boisterousness and the openness of home.
I had a really nice time overseas, just really chilled and laid-back. I did a lot of shopping and eating, and spent a lot of time with my cousins. I started off finishing a book every couple of days until I realised that the point of the trip was not to charge through all the classics before I started drama school and had no time but to see my family. I saw my father at his happiest and also at his saddest. For the first time in my life I allowed myself to be free amongst my relatives, as I was finally unburdened by expectation, and for if my parents accepted me for my decision (even if they didn't agree with it), so too would they. I learnt that people can't really say anything now that I'm (eek!!!) almost 25 and that I would still rather dance like/with a 5 year old than sing bad 80s karaoke. I learnt that my cousins have lives and secrets and sadnesses too. I learnt that nobody is perfect. I learnt that crossing your eyes and sticking out your tongue is the funniest thing in the world. I am still yet to discover a family member with whom I have something amazing in common with but I'm sure that day will come. For the moment I just have to realise that they're family, even if they're a bit strange, and that in itself is a blessing.
My father and I are very different people. It's taken me a long time to realise that and then a further however many years to come to terms with it. I guess when you're a kid and the only things you see around you to give you guidance are your parents, so you want to be like them and do whatever they say. My father, like most Asian parents, desires wealth and status. I don't mind wealth. It would be nice to see rewards for your hard work. On the other hand, I don't believe in slaving in a job you hate, or not even that, a job you don't mind, to provide a safe and secure future for your kids. While I was overseas I observed how my cousin would drive her kids to various after school activities - ballet, piano, English lessons - while her husband worked or did his own thing. Although I am not the one to say whether my cousin likes her situation or not, I personally can't see the point of doing stuff just because you have to. Raising kids like perfect products just because you have to. Achieving A, B and C. What about being passionate about what you do every day? What about valuing things like expanding your mind and engaging with your loved ones with respect and discovery? I admit I've not always been the best at engaging with family but now that I'm older I definitely value time spent together highly. Life is short and things change so fast. What about making a difference to the world, in whatever path or outlet you have chosen? These are the things that I am interested in as a human being, a woman (eek, am I a woman yet??), a friend, a family member and an artist. And I believe all these things are worth seeking. And I know that these things are possible! On the last day, Bug's colleague's family dropped me and my brother and cousin home from the shops. Sitting in the car I realised that every person in the car was in some way artistic. Not only that, but they had a family unit that functioned, social status and prosperity and were also super nice to boot. Upon getting out of the car I almost cried, because I realised that that kind of familial, artistic and financial harmony was possible, and here I was on my way to get it. And I don't know if my father has ever felt that, or would ever want to feel that. But on the plane trip back, as I lay my head on his shoulder and looked up into the thatch of his nose hair, I knew that I would live my life in a different way to his, and that that was okay.
Another thing I've come to realise on the eve of my moving to Melbourne is just how momentous this moment is. It's taken me 25 years to finally get on the right track. When I sat in the car with Bug the other day I was about to cry because I finally felt like I was amongst 'my people' - especially after hanging around but pleasantly engaging with people who were most definitely not 'my people'. A dear friend wrote a wonderful card for me a couple of weeks ago that reminded me that the moment I left medicine was the moment when I started to really live. And although I felt like I was still asleep for the following six months, I look back on it now and realise that that truly was a turning point, that it was the beginning. Finally I stopped doing what I thought people wanted me to do and started living for myself. And although I do regret staying in medicine for so long part of me knows that I couldn't have helped it because I needed a certain amount of life experience to realise that there was another way. Although damnit why wasn't I brave enough to realise this earlier? Actually, there's no excuse. I'm just a lazy bum who can't face up to really living. Oh well, gotta live it now! Although I understand why I left it for so long - it's bloody terrifying! The entire time I was in Malaysia I kept thinking about my move to Melbourne. I'm pretty sure that acting is the right thing for me right now but at the same time you never know what the future will bring, what opportunities may or may not come my way. And that's pretty scary, living with that uncertainty. On the other hand I can say with all certainty that medicine is not the right path for me, despite what my parents say, despite what my friends say - and that life has led me to this certain point and now I have to live it. Living your dreams is scary - facing up to life is mortifying! Because you are no longer safe in the cocoon of your imagination - you have to live it - it's real! And the other thing is I am no longer a child - I have to make choices at some stage in my life. So even if this is not the best or easiest path I still have to live it and make the best of it. It's the only path for me at the moment. And I'm pretty happy with the doing of it so might as well do it for as long as possible! It's pretty scary because this is the make or break moment and I sure as hell sure that life will never be the same way again. What I do now will determine my life for pretty much the next 20 years.
Anyhow, more brain emptying later.
It is a momentous day, and an amazing day. I'm glad you recognise this. I feel like you are writing very honestly of late. I well up with pride.
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