Monday, June 29, 2009

Identity

For a long time, I've been struggling with my sense of self.

When my sense of self is strong, and I feel like I have a defined identity, I can do anything I like.  I feel confident, I want to go out.  I have strong opinions and feel driven to achieve my goals.  When I'm feeling strong I can power through the day with no distractions.

The thing about feeling strong and confident is that it takes energy and a certain amount of bullheadedness.  This often can be difficult to maintain.  Coming back to Sydney always makes me feel as if all those goals I've been working towards have disappeared.  I lose sight of what's important and regress to a small shell.  I forget who I am.

Coming home to Sydney always makes me excited initially because then I feel I get the opportunity to reconnect with my family and friends.  It occurred to me recently however that changing my career and moving onto a different life means that there are some sacrifices to be made.  Sometimes this means reducing contact with particular friends whose way of life is markedly different to yours.

At the same time I feel like it shouldn't matter where I live or who I'm with or who my friends are, I should be able to maintain my sense of self no matter where I am or what I do.  

My goal for the rest of the year and onwards is to reaffirm my sense of self and to make sure I never lose it. 

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

1989

Today is my brother's birthday.  It's twenty years since the little bugger was born.

After sitting through a romantic comedy with my mum and my brother, I went to the shops to buy some groceries.  While I was waiting for my mum I went to read magazines.  After skimming through all the women's interest magazines, I finally decided to pick up TIME.  The feature article was about significant events that happened in 1989, and so I flicked to the page with interest.

The fall of the Berlin Wall.  Tiananmen Square.  1989 was apparently a very important year for our global climate today, and most of the world's major events happened then.  The Internet was born in 1989.  So were The Simpsons.  Funny to think that my brother was born in such a seminal year.  Twenty years ago, Generation Y ended and Generation Z began.  It seemed, by all tokens, to be 

The other fascinating thing about that year is that it was the year I set my one and only online  published story.

I know this is a strange connection, but bear with me.  After an entire semester of running around and throwing myself into characters on stage, I have found myself in the holidays in need of something to ground me.  Thus I have returned to throwing myself into characters on the page.   As usual my efforts have produced nothing of note, despite writing reams and reams of half-stories and thousands of words.  It seems that it takes a deadline for me to actually write anything and I am pushing myself towards one despite me wanting to do everything but write to the actual topic.  In any case all this writing round in circles has made me consider what actually makes me finish a story, and how and where it ends up going.  Thus my retrospective analysis of my previous works' inspirations.

When writing that old story, I remember consciously needing some way for it to be placed in a bigger context, to raise it out of just being a personal story but one that allowed the characters to interact on a social level.  At the time I always remember a friend's story about getting out of China during the Tiananmen Square massacre.  Knowing vaguely that this occurred in 1989, and wanting to use the title 'The Summer of '89' purely because I liked the ring of it, I went on the internet and googled the important events that happened in that year.  As noted, Tiananmen Square most certainly did happen in that year, as did all of the events I described above.   As I read more and more about it I became convinced that the events of that year would be a fascinating background to my story.  And of course, my brother was born in that year, so it had to be a pretty top one.

Therefore, for some strange reason, I've always had a very strong connection to that year, despite me not really knowing anything very much about Tiananmen Square, nor not really having much to do with it personally other than my brother being born.  I suppose my own year of birth was pretty special as well - George Orwell wrote an entire novel about it - but I will always look upon 1989 as pretty unique.  Not only was it a seminal year in the history of the modern world, and affected much of our political and cultural climate today, but it's played a massive role in the making of mine.
 

Monday, June 22, 2009

Maths

I miss it so badly.

To think the subject that is hated and despaired over by pretty much 99% of the general population is the one part of my life I sorely miss.

Those xs and ys might have been a frustrating mystery to most but to me they were the doorkeepers of the most intricate puzzles. I loved how an equation could suddenly shift like a kaleidoscope, revealing a new pattern and its colourful answer. A stained glass window. An ascendence to heaven. Oh those magic numbers!

(how I wish I remembered differentiation!)

I think I'm going to go hunting for my year 10 maths book. In between researching Chekhov and writing short stories a nine point circle needs to be proven.

* Addendum: Today (ie. Tuesday) I went downstairs and found my brother's old 2 unit maths book whereupon I spent the next hour or so during dinner factorising and expanding equations.  It was absolute, nerdified bliss!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Overheard on the train

Mum and kid son singing:

"It's a long way to the top if you want a sausage rolllll..."

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Overheard from the boy in the apartment above

"I want to go home because I've been holding on all day and I WANT TO GO TO THE TOILET NOOOWWWW..."

(pauses, then sings):

"Mamma mia, I like to diarrhoea, mamma mia, I like to diarrhoea..."