When my sense of self is strong, and I feel like I have a defined identity, I can do anything I like. I feel confident, I want to go out. I have strong opinions and feel driven to achieve my goals. When I'm feeling strong I can power through the day with no distractions.
The thing about feeling strong and confident is that it takes energy and a certain amount of bullheadedness. This often can be difficult to maintain. Coming back to Sydney always makes me feel as if all those goals I've been working towards have disappeared. I lose sight of what's important and regress to a small shell. I forget who I am.
Coming home to Sydney always makes me excited initially because then I feel I get the opportunity to reconnect with my family and friends. It occurred to me recently however that changing my career and moving onto a different life means that there are some sacrifices to be made. Sometimes this means reducing contact with particular friends whose way of life is markedly different to yours.
At the same time I feel like it shouldn't matter where I live or who I'm with or who my friends are, I should be able to maintain my sense of self no matter where I am or what I do.
My goal for the rest of the year and onwards is to reaffirm my sense of self and to make sure I never lose it.
In Buddhist philosophy the idea is actually to reduce the ego, to the point that it doesn't exist, and therefore that self (which isn't real anyway) can never be injured or flattered.
ReplyDeleteBut it's hard to be like that when you're an artist, which requires a certain degree of egotism. (At least this is what I've discovered with writing a blog.)
In Buddhist philosophy the idea is actually to reduce the ego, to the point that it doesn't exist, and therefore that self (which isn't real anyway) can never be injured or flattered.
ReplyDeleteBut it's hard to be like that when you're an artist, which requires a certain degree of egotism. (At least this is what I've discovered with writing a blog.)
I think they're two things. I think one is an ego, a larger than life, forced impression of your sense of self; I think the second is a solid, stable understanding of who you are that does not seek to expose or display; this is the truer sense of self, one that is within and is with you throughout your whole life.
ReplyDeleteI aim for the latter.