Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Dazed days
I think I'm completely mad.
I got back from holidays three days ago. While I was away, I didn't touch the internet. I rarely watched the news. The only conversations I had were with my family, friends, and with myself. Instead of an imaginary, binary world I constantly sank my mind into, I was presented with the world in front of me. I was calm. I was clear. I sank deep down into my soul, saw my true desires and grabbed them.
Now that I'm home again, I can see those desires sinking further and further back deep down inside of me. As if I had managed to sink down to the bottom of the sea, to be surrounded by jewelled corals of insight, only to be pulled to the surface again with a sharp tug. The metaphor is probably not maleficent enough. It feels like I'm descending into a bad dream again.
In truth, it's not that bad. The stillness I had found while overseas is still within me, just slowly becoming masked by the drudgery of daily life. I carry the stillness with me as I float about this strange suburban life of mine. In a daze sometimes, but alive. I'm still waiting to let it settle, really hit home what I've learnt and uncovered.
I wonder when I'll be fully awake for each moment of life. When every single instant is a revelatory, momentous occasion. When I was travelling, I found that awakening. Each moment is still so vivid in my mind. Here, in Shinytown, the minutes slip by and I don't know where my mind has been.
If I am to be a writer, I am going to have to deal with this sort of slipshod, ungraspable life where time falls through my fingers like sand. But at least then, I suppose, I could establish some kind of routine (something that I've been claiming I'll do for the past 25 years). If I am to be an actor, this is going to be even worse. As a photographer...well I figure that would be a little more structured, but as I doubt I'll ever seriously become a professional photographer, I don't have to worry about this life.
I got back from holidays three days ago. While I was away, I didn't touch the internet. I rarely watched the news. The only conversations I had were with my family, friends, and with myself. Instead of an imaginary, binary world I constantly sank my mind into, I was presented with the world in front of me. I was calm. I was clear. I sank deep down into my soul, saw my true desires and grabbed them.
Now that I'm home again, I can see those desires sinking further and further back deep down inside of me. As if I had managed to sink down to the bottom of the sea, to be surrounded by jewelled corals of insight, only to be pulled to the surface again with a sharp tug. The metaphor is probably not maleficent enough. It feels like I'm descending into a bad dream again.
In truth, it's not that bad. The stillness I had found while overseas is still within me, just slowly becoming masked by the drudgery of daily life. I carry the stillness with me as I float about this strange suburban life of mine. In a daze sometimes, but alive. I'm still waiting to let it settle, really hit home what I've learnt and uncovered.
I wonder when I'll be fully awake for each moment of life. When every single instant is a revelatory, momentous occasion. When I was travelling, I found that awakening. Each moment is still so vivid in my mind. Here, in Shinytown, the minutes slip by and I don't know where my mind has been.
If I am to be a writer, I am going to have to deal with this sort of slipshod, ungraspable life where time falls through my fingers like sand. But at least then, I suppose, I could establish some kind of routine (something that I've been claiming I'll do for the past 25 years). If I am to be an actor, this is going to be even worse. As a photographer...well I figure that would be a little more structured, but as I doubt I'll ever seriously become a professional photographer, I don't have to worry about this life.
I am still sorting through my directions in life. It's strange that I'm still deciding this, despite my current path. One would think one would have decided one's path when set on a particular course, especially after having traded one course for another. It's as if I've decided forever to be Wendy and to hang around my brothers and Peter Pan. I doubt my current career path even though I know deep in my heart that that's where I'm headed, at least for now. I want to say more but I'm tired and not making very much sense. I will continue this thread tomorrow.
Freedom
What is freedom?
Is it being unleashed into the world, unbounded and undone, across landscapes you could only ever dream of? Into cities whose energy erupts like firework? Running far from the well-worn path, into valleys of the unknown, placing oneself into situations one could never prepare for? Is it to be completely alone, far away from the baggage that normally dogs you or is it complete and total reinvention? I have often wondered if perhaps it is having the ability to dive deep within oneself, through every level and latitude, despite being entrenched in routine. To be able to do that with ease and without judgement. That, I could surmise quite happily to be freedom.
But you know what? After several years of running from the rat race, travelling solo and diving deep within, I'm still not really sure.
Oh by the way, speaking of freedom, I've finally decided to go public with my blog. This is a bit step for me since I've always been uber paranoid about stuff on the net. I'm not sure why. I'm still a little scared about this...but for now the address is on my Facebook page. Big step!
Is it being unleashed into the world, unbounded and undone, across landscapes you could only ever dream of? Into cities whose energy erupts like firework? Running far from the well-worn path, into valleys of the unknown, placing oneself into situations one could never prepare for? Is it to be completely alone, far away from the baggage that normally dogs you or is it complete and total reinvention? I have often wondered if perhaps it is having the ability to dive deep within oneself, through every level and latitude, despite being entrenched in routine. To be able to do that with ease and without judgement. That, I could surmise quite happily to be freedom.
But you know what? After several years of running from the rat race, travelling solo and diving deep within, I'm still not really sure.
Oh by the way, speaking of freedom, I've finally decided to go public with my blog. This is a bit step for me since I've always been uber paranoid about stuff on the net. I'm not sure why. I'm still a little scared about this...but for now the address is on my Facebook page. Big step!
365 project
I am taking part of a photographic 365 project, where you take a photo every day. I want to be a better photographer (not a better photoshopper, as I'm slowly discovering) this year, so I figure this is an easy, non-committal way of doing it. I don't know how good I'm going to be with uploading every day, but I will see how I go. I might cheat a little too, and batch upload/edit ;) Starting from, well, I guess I could say starting from midway through January, considering while I was away I took a photo every day, but I'm going to go with starting from a couple of days ago, here are my first shots:
30.01.10 (since I didn't take any on the 31st, I'm putting two up!)
30.01.10 (since I didn't take any on the 31st, I'm putting two up!)
And 01.02.10:
I'd like to set up a 365 writing challenge for myself too, although the problem with that is that I don't know how I'm going to work that one out. 300 words a day? 300 words is a lot. And I want to be working on a longer work too, so I don't know whether I should do a 300 a day count and include the longer work in that count or make it separate - I kind of want to make it separate. But perhaps it's not about that numbers, just the fact that I'm plugging away on the keyboard every day...I will think about this one. But for the moment I'm going to strive for 300 words a day. Or maybe 200. Then I'll feel like I've hit my goal already, because I doubt it if this post is 300 words yet. Or maybe just to write something every day!
In terms of health I have great plans too...to exercise and meditate every day...oi vey, this is going to get the better of me. I'm going to sit down and work this out.
Monday, February 1, 2010
China/Hong Kong 2010
For some reason the colours didn't show up the way I wanted them to. You may have to go to Flickr to see them properly.
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