Dazed days

I think I'm completely mad.

I got back from holidays three days ago.  While I was away, I didn't touch the internet.  I rarely watched the news.  The only conversations I had were with my family, friends, and with myself.  Instead of an imaginary, binary world I constantly sank my mind into, I was presented with the world in front of me.  I was calm.  I was clear.  I sank deep down into my soul, saw my true desires and grabbed them.

Now that I'm home again, I can see those desires sinking further and further back deep down inside of me.  As if I had managed to sink down to the bottom of the sea, to be surrounded by jewelled corals of insight, only to be pulled to the surface again with a sharp tug.  The metaphor is probably not maleficent enough.  It feels like I'm descending into a bad dream again.

In truth, it's not that bad.  The stillness I had found while overseas is still within me, just slowly becoming masked by the drudgery of daily life.  I carry the stillness with me as I float about this strange suburban life of mine.  In a daze sometimes, but alive.  I'm still waiting to let it settle, really hit home what I've learnt and uncovered.

I wonder when I'll be fully awake for each moment of life.  When every single instant is a revelatory, momentous occasion.  When I was travelling, I found that awakening.  Each moment is still so vivid in my mind.  Here, in Shinytown, the minutes slip by and I don't know where my mind has been.

If I am to be a writer, I am going to have to deal with this sort of slipshod, ungraspable life where time falls through my fingers like sand.  But at least then, I suppose, I could establish some kind of routine (something that I've been claiming I'll do for the past 25 years).  If I am to be an actor, this is going to be even worse.  As a photographer...well I figure that would be a little more structured, but as I doubt I'll ever seriously become a professional photographer, I don't have to worry about this life.

I am still sorting through my directions in life.  It's strange that I'm still deciding this, despite my current path.  One would think one would have decided one's path when set on a particular course, especially after having traded one course for another.  It's as if I've decided forever to be Wendy and to hang around my brothers and Peter Pan.  I doubt my current career path even though I know deep in my heart that that's where I'm headed, at least for now.  I want to say more but I'm tired and not making very much sense.  I will continue this thread tomorrow.